What is my life going to be? Four years of college and plenty of knowledge have earned me this useless degree . . .

Growing up is a scary, scary thing.

This is something I've come to discover. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but really, who does? Everyone keeps telling me that people change their careers multiple times throughout their working years, but everyone needs a starting point. When one feels lost about where to start, that's when one knows one is truly lost. Right? If you don't know where to start, then you don't know where you're coming from- or going to. In other words, it means you don't have a starting point- a ground zero, if you will. Everyone keeps telling me I'll figure out where I want to go, but no one has told me I'll be able to figure out where to start.

Growing up is a part of life, and I feel as if it is a topic constantly in my head. It's hard not to be. Everything is always so future-focused. People keep asking me what I'm going to be doing next year, and what I want to do after college. I know that I'm supposed to have time to figure it all out, but what about the deadlines everyone sets? I need to know if I'm going to grad school in time to take the GMATs or LSATs or GRE or whatever. Yes, maybe I don't need to know where I'm going to end up, but I need to know where to start. And how can I not think about growing up? My closest friends are a year older than me. Their graduation is in four weeks. Wow.

It's hard not to think about growing up, especially from this end of it. I am watching some of my best friends find apartments in their new cities, find jobs and get job offers. I keep hearing about engagements and babies and weddings (oh my!). And I can't help but think.. I am nowhere near being ready for ANY of that. I am not ready to be engaged, married or with child. Hell, I'm not even ready to think about moving away from this undergraduate setting. The real world is a BIG SCARY PLACE to me right now. And I don't think it's a maturity thing. I am mature. I can handle not being in college. My problem is, I just don't know what I want to DO with my life. Does anyone really know, though? If people say it's alright to change your career dozens of times and to get divorced and to have abortions and to chance political opinions and to change your life constantly.. isn't that another way of saying it's alright not to know what you want from life? In a world that expects perfection, how is constant self-evolution a possibility?

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.

No one can find the rewind button now,

So cradle your head in your hands,

And breathe, just breathe.

Woah breathe, just breathe.

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout

But you're just as far in as you'll ever be out.

These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again

If you only try turning around.

And soon it is neither here nor there whether time's rewards are fair or unfair . . .

Life isn't fair. This is a lesson we've all learned the hard way. Whether it was sneaking out of the house as a teenager or watching a close friend or family member suffer, we all have experiences with life being unfair. And unfairness is one of those things you think would go away with time. As the years pass by, I can't help but notice that life is still unfair. It's as unfair as it was when I was three and didn't get the Barbi I wanted. Life, now, is just unfair in different ways, and even if I don't personally feel the unfairness, I can see it all around me- at work, at home, in my relationships. Will the unfairness ever go away? No, I don't think so. So how does one cope with this bar set against them? Is it possible that some people always ream the benefits while others don't even get a fighting chance? What's fair about that? Is it a matter of luck? I mean, does anyone believe in luck anymore, or for that matter kharma? Maybe "fair" and "unfair" are just relative terms and only possess meaning when you put weight on them. Do we get things to balance out the fair and unfair? I can't help but wonder, is there a place where fair is neither here nor there or are we stuck within the confides of fair and unfair forever?

I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong . . .

Sometimes I can't help but wonder what we're all doing here. Why has fate or God or coincidence brought certain people to cross paths and other paths to join up or what would have become of me if I has chose a different path. And furthermore, what happens when you come to an end of a path? Recently, I've been watching my paths ending and stopping and failing me right before my eyes, and I feel so helpless. I watch myself drift away from people I used to love and interests I used to have, and it scares me. What will come of all this change? Change is scary and it's something I think about often. Is this life's way of telling us we're growing up? I'm losing my ties to the place where I grew up. My town doesn't have much to offer me except my family. I'm no longer attached to my high school friends even though we were convinced we'd be "best friends forever" and we'd prove the odds wrong because we would "keep in touch in college and always be a group." Our parents laughed at us, which gave us the motive to prove them wrong even more so. But, alas, it happened just as the odds predicted.. two summers into college and now everyone is at their respective schools with their friends or travelling abroad and having grand adventures. Even if we are home, we rarely meet up. High school seems so long ago and it truly means nothing to me right now. And more importantly, who I was and what I valued when I was in high school has changed too. I think that's why it's so hard to see the old group. I've changed since high school, we all have changed, but the thing is we were friends back then because we had something in common. There's no guarantee that we haven't lost that part of us that kept us together. And I think that is the hardest part to accept. Whenever we are together (if that happens at all) we cling so much to how we used to be, not who we have become. It gets to a point where you have to just let go of that old baggage, and I think I've reached that point. It's thrilling and mortifying at the same time. It makes me feel like I don't belong anymore, but it also makes me want to stand strong and be proud of who I've become. We've all dealt with our share of troubles and issues, and some have conquered or are trying to prevail. I don't want to forget my past because it serves as a basis for who I've become. I just want it to be in the past. I want to walk forward. I'm not sure if school is the place where I belong or if it's just a temporary place, but it is home. My entire life has moved from my quiet suburb to the city, and although I love coming home to my parents' house.. it's just that. My home in my suburb is my parents' house and my apartment in the city is my home. When I first got to college, I kept hearing the upperclassmen reference their apartments as "home" and their home as "my parents' house." I thought it was the strangest thing, but now I get it. And it's scary as hell to think that one day I will be an adult. There will come a time when I don't lean on my parents for rent and food money & for gas and insurance & everything else they provide. One day I will be on my own in my fabulous (albeit, probably hole-in-the-wall) apartment overlooking something marvelous (in reality, it'll probably be a dark alley or dumpster), and it won't matter what it's like because I'll be on my own two feet and relying on myself, not anybody else. But until then.. until after graduation and my first job and even my 21st birthday.. I'll living in my "mommy sponsered" apartment at school and that is the place I will feel most at home. I'm absolutely terrified to grow up for real (not just the daydream-about-your-future-fabulous-life-post-college), but this old house and these old people are not home. The people I love the most (after the family, of course) are not here. So I guess it's just time to take the leap of faith and step into the darkness, and hope to God there's something there waiting for me. These faces and these places are getting old, so I'm going home.

Devoted friends, they disappear . . .

There's something to be said about friendships, and more importantly, of lost friendships. People come and go in and out of our lives all the time. Everything involves the interaction of people- riding the bus, work associates, school peers, family, a girl's night out. At the end of the day, however, there is always that core group of people we all lean on and turn to. These are the people you call at 4am crying or the first people you announce an engagement to. These people usually don't leave- they're the ones who stay. My mom always said you were lucky to have one or two of these people throughout our lives. I always thought I was extremely blessed to have about six of these types of friends. Yet, there was always one that stood out from the rest. She knew my moods simply by my facial expressions and the pace of my walk. She knew exactly how to put a smile on my face. And in a short amount of time, about a year, she knew everything about me- my favorite things, my dislikes, my fears, and my accomplishments. And likewise, I knew everything about her- from her high school years, to her family, even what type of wine was her favorite. I was lucky and blessed to call her my best friend and my big sister. She was sweet and genuine. She cares about her friends and always puts them before herself. Seeing a smile on my face could always turn her frown upside down. Our mutual friends always thought of our relationship as the perfect friendship, and it was. But I can't help but wonder how perfect our friendship truly was. We had a minor falling out after a small fight; however, it's been 96 days since I last spoke to my dear AJJ. That's 3 months and 7 days since I've truly smiled and was completely happy. It might sound crazy, but it's like I've been grieving for our lost friendship over these past 3 months. I miss her everyday. And even though she was my greatest lost and biggest mistake, whenever I feel sad all I want to do is go on a drive on the East side with her. There are certain things and certain place and certain songs I can no longer do/go/listen to because it makes me miss her so much. And sad part? I don't know if she misses me. At first I thought I was going crazy. It seems so ridiculous to grieve a friendship, but is it? The amount of time we put into our friends is almost more than what we put into a romantic relationship. And when that significant other fails us, it is those friends we turn to. So is it so absurd to miss our lost friendships? And why shouldn't it be able to leave us feeling alone and empty? Maybe it's not so ridiculous to miss our friends, especially our closest ones. And maybe it's okay to feel a twinge of sadness when a certain song comes on the radio or when you see a place that reminds you of someone. Maybe nostalgia is okay. Maybe it's not. All I know is I miss my AJJ everyday.. and there's never a day when I don't think of her and feel the pain. And maybe she didn't die, but I still grieve the loss like death, because really my Aliy is no longer my Aliy. She's just another girl who came into my life and left- just like that. And all she left me with is the faintest memory of the amazing friends we used to be.

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ it
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

The key to change is to let go of fear . . .

I am not a fan of change, but then again who is? No one likes getting uprooted from their life, whether it be comfortable or not, and getting moved or shifted or shaken. Although, I can't help but wonder, is it really that significant? Each new year offers a chance for change- we like to call it a new year's resolution. Each end is just a new beginning. Take the end of a school year, for example. Yes, it's over and we've got to keep moving on- getting older, developing new friends, pursuing new dreams- but does it ever really change that much? The sun still rises in the east. The moon is always surrounded by stars. The tide keeps cycling through. The rhythms of life do not change, and ultimately maybe all we need to do is get in tune with those rhythms. So what if we can never get rid of our baggage? So what if we decide we need to reach our potentials? Maybe the key is basics. So maybe instead of fearing this change, this uprooting from our little boxes.. maybe we should take time to notice the little things: the newly bloomed spring, the laughter with friends, even the pains and struggles. Because really, ultimately, we are nothing more than the rising sun in the east, the moon surrounded by stars, the constant tide rolling in over the sandy shores. Maybe all we need to do is listen to these rhythms with our heart and not our ears- and maybe we'll be okay.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson