Devoted friends, they disappear . . .

There's something to be said about friendships, and more importantly, of lost friendships. People come and go in and out of our lives all the time. Everything involves the interaction of people- riding the bus, work associates, school peers, family, a girl's night out. At the end of the day, however, there is always that core group of people we all lean on and turn to. These are the people you call at 4am crying or the first people you announce an engagement to. These people usually don't leave- they're the ones who stay. My mom always said you were lucky to have one or two of these people throughout our lives. I always thought I was extremely blessed to have about six of these types of friends. Yet, there was always one that stood out from the rest. She knew my moods simply by my facial expressions and the pace of my walk. She knew exactly how to put a smile on my face. And in a short amount of time, about a year, she knew everything about me- my favorite things, my dislikes, my fears, and my accomplishments. And likewise, I knew everything about her- from her high school years, to her family, even what type of wine was her favorite. I was lucky and blessed to call her my best friend and my big sister. She was sweet and genuine. She cares about her friends and always puts them before herself. Seeing a smile on my face could always turn her frown upside down. Our mutual friends always thought of our relationship as the perfect friendship, and it was. But I can't help but wonder how perfect our friendship truly was. We had a minor falling out after a small fight; however, it's been 96 days since I last spoke to my dear AJJ. That's 3 months and 7 days since I've truly smiled and was completely happy. It might sound crazy, but it's like I've been grieving for our lost friendship over these past 3 months. I miss her everyday. And even though she was my greatest lost and biggest mistake, whenever I feel sad all I want to do is go on a drive on the East side with her. There are certain things and certain place and certain songs I can no longer do/go/listen to because it makes me miss her so much. And sad part? I don't know if she misses me. At first I thought I was going crazy. It seems so ridiculous to grieve a friendship, but is it? The amount of time we put into our friends is almost more than what we put into a romantic relationship. And when that significant other fails us, it is those friends we turn to. So is it so absurd to miss our lost friendships? And why shouldn't it be able to leave us feeling alone and empty? Maybe it's not so ridiculous to miss our friends, especially our closest ones. And maybe it's okay to feel a twinge of sadness when a certain song comes on the radio or when you see a place that reminds you of someone. Maybe nostalgia is okay. Maybe it's not. All I know is I miss my AJJ everyday.. and there's never a day when I don't think of her and feel the pain. And maybe she didn't die, but I still grieve the loss like death, because really my Aliy is no longer my Aliy. She's just another girl who came into my life and left- just like that. And all she left me with is the faintest memory of the amazing friends we used to be.

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ it
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

The key to change is to let go of fear . . .

I am not a fan of change, but then again who is? No one likes getting uprooted from their life, whether it be comfortable or not, and getting moved or shifted or shaken. Although, I can't help but wonder, is it really that significant? Each new year offers a chance for change- we like to call it a new year's resolution. Each end is just a new beginning. Take the end of a school year, for example. Yes, it's over and we've got to keep moving on- getting older, developing new friends, pursuing new dreams- but does it ever really change that much? The sun still rises in the east. The moon is always surrounded by stars. The tide keeps cycling through. The rhythms of life do not change, and ultimately maybe all we need to do is get in tune with those rhythms. So what if we can never get rid of our baggage? So what if we decide we need to reach our potentials? Maybe the key is basics. So maybe instead of fearing this change, this uprooting from our little boxes.. maybe we should take time to notice the little things: the newly bloomed spring, the laughter with friends, even the pains and struggles. Because really, ultimately, we are nothing more than the rising sun in the east, the moon surrounded by stars, the constant tide rolling in over the sandy shores. Maybe all we need to do is listen to these rhythms with our heart and not our ears- and maybe we'll be okay.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson