And soon it is neither here nor there whether time's rewards are fair or unfair . . .

Life isn't fair. This is a lesson we've all learned the hard way. Whether it was sneaking out of the house as a teenager or watching a close friend or family member suffer, we all have experiences with life being unfair. And unfairness is one of those things you think would go away with time. As the years pass by, I can't help but notice that life is still unfair. It's as unfair as it was when I was three and didn't get the Barbi I wanted. Life, now, is just unfair in different ways, and even if I don't personally feel the unfairness, I can see it all around me- at work, at home, in my relationships. Will the unfairness ever go away? No, I don't think so. So how does one cope with this bar set against them? Is it possible that some people always ream the benefits while others don't even get a fighting chance? What's fair about that? Is it a matter of luck? I mean, does anyone believe in luck anymore, or for that matter kharma? Maybe "fair" and "unfair" are just relative terms and only possess meaning when you put weight on them. Do we get things to balance out the fair and unfair? I can't help but wonder, is there a place where fair is neither here nor there or are we stuck within the confides of fair and unfair forever?

I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong . . .

Sometimes I can't help but wonder what we're all doing here. Why has fate or God or coincidence brought certain people to cross paths and other paths to join up or what would have become of me if I has chose a different path. And furthermore, what happens when you come to an end of a path? Recently, I've been watching my paths ending and stopping and failing me right before my eyes, and I feel so helpless. I watch myself drift away from people I used to love and interests I used to have, and it scares me. What will come of all this change? Change is scary and it's something I think about often. Is this life's way of telling us we're growing up? I'm losing my ties to the place where I grew up. My town doesn't have much to offer me except my family. I'm no longer attached to my high school friends even though we were convinced we'd be "best friends forever" and we'd prove the odds wrong because we would "keep in touch in college and always be a group." Our parents laughed at us, which gave us the motive to prove them wrong even more so. But, alas, it happened just as the odds predicted.. two summers into college and now everyone is at their respective schools with their friends or travelling abroad and having grand adventures. Even if we are home, we rarely meet up. High school seems so long ago and it truly means nothing to me right now. And more importantly, who I was and what I valued when I was in high school has changed too. I think that's why it's so hard to see the old group. I've changed since high school, we all have changed, but the thing is we were friends back then because we had something in common. There's no guarantee that we haven't lost that part of us that kept us together. And I think that is the hardest part to accept. Whenever we are together (if that happens at all) we cling so much to how we used to be, not who we have become. It gets to a point where you have to just let go of that old baggage, and I think I've reached that point. It's thrilling and mortifying at the same time. It makes me feel like I don't belong anymore, but it also makes me want to stand strong and be proud of who I've become. We've all dealt with our share of troubles and issues, and some have conquered or are trying to prevail. I don't want to forget my past because it serves as a basis for who I've become. I just want it to be in the past. I want to walk forward. I'm not sure if school is the place where I belong or if it's just a temporary place, but it is home. My entire life has moved from my quiet suburb to the city, and although I love coming home to my parents' house.. it's just that. My home in my suburb is my parents' house and my apartment in the city is my home. When I first got to college, I kept hearing the upperclassmen reference their apartments as "home" and their home as "my parents' house." I thought it was the strangest thing, but now I get it. And it's scary as hell to think that one day I will be an adult. There will come a time when I don't lean on my parents for rent and food money & for gas and insurance & everything else they provide. One day I will be on my own in my fabulous (albeit, probably hole-in-the-wall) apartment overlooking something marvelous (in reality, it'll probably be a dark alley or dumpster), and it won't matter what it's like because I'll be on my own two feet and relying on myself, not anybody else. But until then.. until after graduation and my first job and even my 21st birthday.. I'll living in my "mommy sponsered" apartment at school and that is the place I will feel most at home. I'm absolutely terrified to grow up for real (not just the daydream-about-your-future-fabulous-life-post-college), but this old house and these old people are not home. The people I love the most (after the family, of course) are not here. So I guess it's just time to take the leap of faith and step into the darkness, and hope to God there's something there waiting for me. These faces and these places are getting old, so I'm going home.