How much is too much . . .

I consider myself a good person. I work and study hard. I am responsible and reliable. I am a loyal friend and daughter. We all consider ourselves good people, or at least we try to. We give people second chances, and sometimes third and fourths too. What we don't realize in the present moment that some doors need to be closed forever. Sure, we always value our friendships, work relationships, and romantic relationships, but sometimes you have to wonder if you've given people too many chances. You can only give so much love, time, and consideration to people who may not give it back. Of course we don't mind giving ourselves for our friends, but when do you come to a point when you're all used up?

Sweep yesterday's mistakes under tomorrow's carpet . . .

There's something appealing about new years. Sure, it's an excuse to drink endless champagne- but there's just something appealing about new beginnings and fresh starts. Maybe it's just because it makes you realize everything you'd like to do, but don't. Maybe it's just good timing to start something new. No matter who you are, there's something to be said about letting go of old baggage. Carpe diem. Be a better person. Wave yesterday's shadows goodbye, and welcome tomorrow's morning sun rays. But now matter how hard we try, can we ever let go of the past? I can't help but wonder, can you ever let go of old baggage or does it follow you forever?

And once in a while, people may even take your breath away . . .

Grey's Anatomy is a great TV show. Every week millions of people sit down and tune in to see what's going to happen next at Seattle Grace and in the lives of the interns, residents, and attendees the show follows. What makes Grey's so appealling to me is the narration done by Meredith Grey. In an episode during the first season, one of these narrations I love so much ended with, "See, once in a while, once in a blue moon people will surprise you. And once in a while, people may even take your breath away."

Today, I had my breath taken away. My friend and I have been friends since we were about 3. We even walked down the kindergarten graduation aisle together. We went to grade school together and high school, and now he's out in California. He's changed a lot since high school- the normal growing up and whatnot. Over this past semester break, he told me something that I thought was quite profound. We didn't talk about it after. And I felt it was necessary to share an e-mail I received from him this morning:

you know what is deep? deep is things that you have found to be true that you are willing to share with others so maybe when they go through something similar it wont be that bad. in this sense your blog is indeed deep. i dont care what you say. kudos to you.

this quote accurately reflects what i believe to date:

"I still love my neighbor as myself, but it is not because God tells me to. It is because in my neighbor I see not the face of God, but my own face. I see another human being in pain and struggling for happiness and peace, and I remember my own suffering, so I reach out. There is indeed goodness in atheism."

so, it doesnt matter to me. for you it is God. i think that is good. for me, it just isnt. sometimes, it even makes me sad that i no can believe, but at the end of the day, i think we both want the same thing. happiness. for ourselves. and for those we love.

and so, that is what i think it means to love and be happy. if you love someone, you want them to be happy and you try to make that be true. of course there are degrees of difference, but i really hope you and i and all the people we care about will surround ourselves with people that promote happiness, goodness, and love.

i consider you my friend, but of course we are 2000 miles away from each other and so there are limitations on what we can do to bring happiness to each other. and so, this is what i'm left with: i hope that you have good friends there, like i have here, and like you have been to me: people that uplift you in all aspects of life.

the end. talk to you later.

That which does not kill you only makes you stronger . . .

I am not a fan of people that are happy all the time. Personally, I'm not an exceptionally optimistic person; therefore, I do not appreciate being surrounded by such types. Frankly, I can't fathom how someone could be so happy all the time. It's not normal.

However, there is someone I know that displays such characteristics, and I love her to death. I have a friend. Her name is Alex. We met early in our high school careers, but at the end of junior year, our friendship changed. We both attended a retreat together, and we got to know each other a little better. We didn't become best friends, but she was reliable and I loved her for it. Through the rest of junior year and senior year, we met once a week, midway through the week, on Wednesdays just to check in and make sure our lives were going okay. Now, Alex is a strong person. She is fiercely loyal, has a strong faith, and has an optimistic outlook on life. Alex's favorite thing to do is smile and make other people smile too.

I've never met someone like her, even to this day. She's kind of like the real life equivalent of Meredith Grey. Even before Alex started high school, her mom couldn't remember to pick her up. It eventually led to her mom not even being able to recognize her. Her brother was away at college already and her dad had his own medical issues. In other words, Alex was strong. Can you even imagine your own mother not recognizing you? I can't.

After high school, college was a little relief for my friend Alex. Of course, we didn't keep in touch all that well. And honestly, I haven't seen her since graduation. Sure, facebook always helps relationships, but we never had an extremely strong one to begin with. Nonetheless, a little e-mail here and there kept both of us somewhat up-to-date.

The most recent e-mail I've seen about Alex was in November. She was studying in DC for the semester, and had to be rushed into emergency surgery. She had a tumor. All the DC doctors said it was benine. A few weeks after surgery, she came home and a follow-up appointment revealed that the tumor was malignant. Alex has ovarian cancer. She is undergoing 7 weeks of intensive chemotherapy. She had chemo through Christmas, her birthday, and New Year. She cannot return to school this semester. Yet, she still remains with a smile and keeps in touch through chemo, and still asks me about my personal life and if there's anything she can do to help.

Alex is my inspiration. When she told me she had cancer, she did not know that I was diagnosed with the same tumors- the same cancer. Over the summer, when I was going through my radiation, I was angry, frustrated, and frightened. Alex is kicking cancer's butt with a smile on her face. She's already suffered so much and had so many life experiences that some of us will never have to deal with ever in our lives. Her mother is now in a nursing home, and Alex hasn't seen her in a good 6 months. And yet, she's kicking cancer's butt with a smile on her face. She is still fiercely loyal, strong in her faith, and still has an optimistic outlook on life. She gives new meaning to the phrase 'what does not kill me makes me stronger.'

But I can't help but wonder, why do bad things happen to such good people?

There's something to be said about a glass half full . . .

Sometimes we can't help but throw a pity party for ourselves. We know it's not right, and we know it's somewhat pathetic, but sometimes it just feels so good to feel sorry for yourself. It feels like a natural reaction- the response to fight or flight that is the easiest. And once you give in, it's that much harder to stop. It's almost as if you just get sucked under by the current and then you just begin to drown. You can kick and kick and kick and fight to get back to the surface, but there just seems to be something in your very essense that says you can't get afloat again. Maybe it's not even a pity party. Sitting down and facing reality sucks. Plain and simple. Maybe those who feel awful all the time are really the ones who have the greatest grip on life and on reality. Afterall, from the minute you're born you are dying. It's like buying a car: as soon as you drive it off the lot, the car's value keeps decreasing in a downward spiral. Maybe we're like that. Maybe once we're exposed to the world, we just start going in a downward spiral until someone saves us or we die. All it takes is someone to reach out into that black abyss. Maybe all we really want in life is that anchor, that person that will save us. Someone who knows we're drowning without even being told. And maybe those of us who throw that pity party are coping because we haven't been saved yet. Our knight in shining armour hasn't come on his nobel mount. And maybe.. just maybe.. the pity party is so appealing because it feels so good when it's over. It's just a quick round of who's life sucks the most. It's like that quote.. Why do we keep hitting ourselves with a hammer? Because it feels so damn good when we stop.

This isn't a 'Please Write This Down' kind of thing . . .

This isn't going to be anything profound. It's not going to be my desperate outreach or a cry for help or any of your business really. It's not going to be revelations or anything quotable. It's not going to be life lessons or future tidings. Frankly, I don't believe in blogs. The very thought of putting yourself- your thoughts, emotions, feelings- out there on the internet, of all places, is a little profound in itself. However, it's convinent and quick and accessable. So, if you can't beat em, join em, right? After all, it's the end of an era and a beginning of a new decade.